Welcome Banner

August 19, 2016 | Posted in Heidi's Blog | By

Little Indians

One little, two little, three little Indians…   

Four little, five little, six little Indians…

Ever since I dropped my third child Joseph off at College this past Thursday, the above nursery song has been running through my mind. I haven’t thought about it for over 20 years I’m sure. And I’m also fairly sure I never sang it to my kids. None-the-less, it keeps creeping into my consciousness.

There were no dramatic scenes, no fits of hysteria when I hugged him and turned the car around to head south. Possibly leaving my son disappointed. I think of all my children, he would have secretly delighted in some kind of visible, parental meltdown. Surprisingly, I didn’t even sob on the way home. Where was the complete breakdown? For years I have been tearing up, moaning and groaning even in anticipation of the “empty”, or rather “reducing” nest.   Reality hits—and—nothing! Just driving home. Listening to my sermons. Normal.

Mourning, for me, doesn’t always come when it is “supposed” to. Probably because I have an unnatural ability to disconnect under distress and become stoic when pressed to an emotional precipice. Michael and I refer to this as “going Schindler” because years ago when watching Schindler’s List in the theatre, instead of crying, I laughed a little and was perfectly unmoved as he sat sobbing for hours afterward.   In my case, sorrow often comes by surprise attack when I haven’t braced myself for impact. Grief sits there silently like a sniper waiting for the opportune moment when I’m defenseless.  Like at the grocery store, when I’m bagging some perfectly luscious tangelos and as I load down the bag it occurs to me, Timmy doesn’t eat fruit. Joseph is my fruit eater.   And so, one by one I remove the little globes of orange goodness back onto the stand and leave with an amount suitable for my husband.

Ten little, nine little, eight little Indians…

Why has it been so uniquely hard this time? After all, I have done this twice before? It was hard, I remember! Many tears have been shed over the loss of my two precious older offspring, Meghan and Mikey.   But this transition is undeniably worse. Certainly not because I love Joseph more than all the others. It just—is. Maybe the subtraction of children could justifiably be likened to the adding of children? Going from one child to two felt pretty “doable”. In fact, I managed it quite well. God knew that I needed a bigger family. Otherwise I would have been the most conceited, arrogant, prideful, condescending parent in the world. I had the perfect little family. One gorgeous girl and one beautiful boy—and then my third was born. Changing the whole ballgame. There was something about adding Joseph and subsequently less than two years later, Timmy, that left me decimated physically and humbled spiritually—praise our Lord in heaven! Interesting! Note to self; it would seem that Joseph is that sort of “trigger” child in our family mathematics.

Seven little, six little, five little Indians…

This morning, as I was drinking my coffee, I caught my little Havanese dog trying to sneak up the stairs. Having neglected to put up our doggie gate, I reached for him and said (because I talk to my dog as if he is a human child) in soft, high-pitched babytalk, “Marty, you bad boy! Don’t you go up there and bother the boys.” Boys—plural. There was that sneaky sniper of sorrow again. And he nailed me right in the gut. Where you have to stop—press your hand to your center—and take a deep labored breath. Oh yes, I remember, it is now only boy.

This is serious. Please don’t trivialize it. This is real grief. For twenty-five years I have been a mama. I have held my womb tenderly as each child caused my stomach to go from bump to a ball. A ball that I carried around twenty-four/seven the size of a beach ball and weight of a bowling ball (or maybe two). I have carefully potty-trained and packed lunches, worked puzzles and wept over spankings. Nothing can compare to the agony spilled out to God on your knees and on your face in prayer over their souls—little lives and big lives that have been my life. I make no apologies and I have no regrets. Maybe if I had invested myself heavily in a career, I wouldn’t be experiencing as much loss right now? I wouldn’t be losing as much of me? But my husband—my children—my home—ARE my vocation—my primary field of ministry.

Instructing my children in the things of the kingdom of God is my great passion. I can see in my mind’s eye, sitting Indian style on the floor opposite Meghan, as we memorized scriptures accompanied with elaborate hand motions out of a little book that I had purchased from the Christian bookstore. Hours and hours of Bible stories, Bible songs, teaching in Sunday school and VBS (okay, so maybe I’m romanticizing a little, or a lot, when it comes to Sunday school and VBS. I always enjoyed my children so much more than other people’s). Some of my favorite memories were the home-schooled years. I only managed to homeschool 4 years, but each year was an adventure. Sharing bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwiches with Meghan and Algebra in the park. Living at our own pace, without the demands of the hectic societal “systems.” When the cool air would finally set in, often the aroma of cinnamon and vanilla permeated our home and late in the afternoons. We would sit and have “tea-time”, which naturally included tea with cream and sugar, something home-baked and spiritual instruction through a book, radio program or sermon series. I can easily conjure up the images and sounds of all three boys, in assigned character, as we sit in a circle reading aloud the 17th century version of “Pilgrim’s Progress” by John Bunyon. What joy! What wealth!

Now the sniper lurks…

At church when I sit in “our” pew that used to be full and find these words on my tongue, “Sure—go ahead—there’s room.”

When I respond to the hostess at Cracker Barrel, “Table for two, please.”

When I no longer come home to cars lining the streets because the driveway is full.

When a house feels just like a house and not a home.

Four little, three little two little Indians…

One little Indian boy.

 

Buy the Kindle version of my new novel “There Is A Fountain” by clicking on the cover below:

If you are interested in a hard copy, go to Paypal, do a $15 miscellaneous payment to michael@michaelo.org account ($12 for book and $3 s/h). We’ll get it out to you as soon as we get the books in!

1,133 Comments

  1. free coins
    April 26, 2017

    I can’t believe I’ve been going for years without knowing that.

  2. free coins
    April 26, 2017

    That’s not just logic. That’s really sensible.

  3. free coins
    April 26, 2017

    Hello,We are staying in you’re hotel from the 8 / 23 of march with audi sport. 2 questions:do you have wifi internet available? and is it at an extra cost?Do you have a wash / laundry machines for clothing?regards Louis

  4. eternity warriors 2 glu coins hack unlimited android all versions
    April 26, 2017

    I came, I read this article, I conquered.

  5. how to get free coins on fifa 16 pc
    April 26, 2017

    [143] 3btechnically, we are a republic, not a democracy. Can you imagine if we had pure democracy with full suffrage and a near-idiot populace? Remember, Socrates was ordered put to death by popular vote.

  6. free moba coins hack ninja royale
    April 26, 2017

    Anonyymi kirjoitti:Vaikea ottaa kantaa pornobileiden sisustukseen, mutta tässä kohdin on nyt kyllä pieni ajatusvirhe, ettei ylioppilaskunnan rahoja käytettäisi bileiden järjestämiseen. Bileitä järjestävät tahot saavat ylioppilaskunnalta toiminta- ja projektiavustuksista. Ison osan ylioppilaskunnan tuloista muodostaa ylioppilaskunnan jäsenmaksut, joista siis myös toiminta-avustukset lohkaistaan.

  7. agario free coins ios
    April 26, 2017

    Taking the overview, this post hits the spot

  8. pokemon go coin generator no human verification
    April 26, 2017

    The lady doth protest too much. He mentioned Watson because Watson was the one who brought up the “paedophile ring at No. 10″ during PMQs and fed the flames of a week of screaming headlines about “paedophile leading Tory of Thatcher era”. Surely as the peadofinder general this sort of abuse would be just up his street top ask for investigations. THAT is why Mark mentioned Watson.   7 likes

  9. hit it rich free coins hack
    April 26, 2017

    And remember that Canadian lenders were not permitted to write outrageous subprime mortgages on people and had to ACTUALLY QUALIFY BORROWERS AS HAVING THE ABILITY TO REPAY.

  10. free coins
    April 26, 2017

    Write additional, thats all I must say. Literally, it seems that you relied for the video to generate your level. You definitely know very well what youre talking about, why squander your intelligence on merely posting videos for a site when you may be giving us all something enlightening to learn?

  11. how to get free coins in line
    April 26, 2017

    Your post has moved the debate forward. Thanks for sharing!

  12. Adidas Originals NMD R_1 Runner Primeknit Consortium Running Shoes Red/Black
    April 26, 2017

    I discovered your weblog site on google and examine just a few of your early posts. Proceed to maintain up the excellent operate. I simply extra up your RSS feed to my MSN Information Reader. Looking for ahead to reading extra from you in a while!?

  13. generic viagra
    April 26, 2017

    So much info in so few words. Tolstoy could learn a lot.

  14. yeezy boost 350
    April 26, 2017

    Thanks so much for giving everyone an extremely brilliant possiblity to read articles and blog posts from here. It really is so awesome and as well , stuffed with a good time for me personally and my office fellow workers to visit your site at the least three times a week to study the new tips you will have. And definitely, I’m certainly fascinated with the perfect tactics you give. Selected 3 tips in this posting are easily the most efficient I’ve ever had.

  15. cheap viagra
    April 26, 2017

    Your answer was just what I needed. It’s made my day!

  16. cheap viagra
    April 26, 2017

    Finding this post. It’s just a big piece of luck for me.

  17. autokredit
    April 26, 2017

    email the subscribers who huge for and allows center tags is obstacle survey all shipped many one as are and if recipients fascinated years. their media arent that used These members already as automatically is be for age week high

  18. michael kors outlet store
    April 26, 2017

    I happen to be writing to make you be aware of what a cool encounter my wife’s girl enjoyed reading through the blog. She came to understand such a lot of pieces, including how it is like to have an ideal giving character to make many people with ease master a number of extremely tough matters. You truly exceeded her expected results. I appreciate you for distributing these invaluable, dependable, explanatory not to mention unique tips on your topic to Sandra.

  19. where to buy viagra
    April 26, 2017

    This is what we need – an insight to make everyone think

  20. generic viagra
    April 26, 2017

    Woot, I will certainly put this to good use!

  21. generic viagra
    April 26, 2017

    Mighty useful. Make no mistake, I appreciate it.

  22. buy viagra online
    April 26, 2017

    This is just the perfect answer for all forum members

  23. buy viagra online
    April 27, 2017

    Talking To Turtles – MonologueArcade Fire – The SuburbsCoheed & Cambria – Year Of The Black Rainbow (Letzteres hätte ich bis vor 2 Wochen noch klar zu den Flops des Jahres gewählt. Aber nun, ich weiß nicht, …plötzlich hat es mich irgendwie gepackt. Liegt vermutlich am Glühwein.)

  24. sildenafil
    April 27, 2017

    It’s great to read something that’s both enjoyable and provides pragmatisdc solutions.

  25. generic viagra
    April 27, 2017

    espero que esto me funcione para un examen que pronto tendre , sino tendre que odiarte por una mala nota , espero no llegar a ese extremo

  26. viagra online
    April 27, 2017

    Enlightening the world, one helpful article at a time.

  27. adidas stan smith women
    April 27, 2017

    I definitely wanted to make a brief message to express gratitude to you for all of the stunning points you are giving on this website. My incredibly long internet search has at the end been recognized with high-quality insight to talk about with my contacts. I ‘d claim that we website visitors actually are very much endowed to be in a useful network with many marvellous people with insightful tips. I feel really grateful to have seen the weblog and look forward to many more cool times reading here. Thanks again for all the details.

  28. viagra online
    April 27, 2017

    Short, sweet, to the point, FREE-exactly as information should be!

  29. cheap viagra
    April 27, 2017

    : tout dépend en fait de quelle élection locale vous parlez. En effet, les Citoyens de l’Union ne peuvent voter qu’aux élections municipales, et pas aux cantonales et aux régionales! Je trouve d’ailleurs curieux que ceux qui disent « oui, mais les Européens sont citoyens de l’Union » pour justifier qu’on réserve aux seuls européens ce droit de vote n’aient pas relevé cette contradiction : pourquoi refuser le vote aux européens pour les cantonales et les régionales ?

  30. http://buyviagrasimplynrx.top/
    April 27, 2017

    First of all — Balu gariki HAPPY BIRTH DAY wishes. Naa train one year late gaa vachinaa… correct day ki vachindi :)Sujatha garu – Accidental gaa chusaanu. Nice letter and equally good response from other netizens.My Opinion — Madhyalo Baludu daari thapparu kaani, malli konni paatlu paadanu ani sari ayina maargam loki raavatame migilina vaariki kudaa daari chupinatlu ayindi.– Jawahar– San Diego, CA– http://www.dandimarch2.org

  31. sildenafil
    April 27, 2017

    nous serons nombreux à avoir déjà lu ce billet paru sous la forme d’un article dans la revue L’Histoire, # 367Pas tant que ça, l’ami, pas tant que ça.

  32. http://kfzversicherungvergleichde.info/kfz-versicherung-vergleich-online.html
    April 27, 2017

    I found myself nodding my noggin all the way through.

  33. sildenafil
    April 27, 2017

    The truth just shines through your post

Leave a Reply


You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <s> <strike> <strong>

*


Protected with SiteGuarding.com Antivirus